Memory
by Carmabaeji - Lively Aria
Summary: Josh yelled at the president, he smashed a window in his apartment, what else did his mind cover up? Spoilers for Noel


Memory  
  
by Aria  
  
Rating: Same as the show.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but damn if I did.....  
  
Spoilers: Noel.  
  
Synopsis: What else did Josh's PTSD mind cover up?  
  
  
  
-*-*-  
  
Donna switched off the television and twisted the lid back onto her nail varnish. Bedtime. She put the remote down on the coffee table, and pulled the toe dividers off, and finally pulled herself off the sofa to walk over to the door and check the locks.  
  
Once she could be sure that all her locks were in place and actually fastened, she turned the living area light off, and stumbled towards her bedroom. She was slightly more careful when she checked the locks today, her room mate had gone away for Christmas, and Donna was ever so slightly wary of being alone in the apartment.  
  
She passed the bedroom door, and flicked on the light with an automatic flick of her hand. She was surprised to hear a 'tap'. She frowned, dismissing the sound, and pulling off her sweater, another 'tap'. Once again she dismissed it, this time as a tree against a window rather than a figment of her imagination. Finally as she was stepping out of her slacks she heard it, "Do-nn-a!" the unmistakable sound of her drunken boss, Josh, calling her name in a sing song tone.  
  
"Jesus!" she groaned, and walked over to the window. She opened the frame, and peered out, carefully keeping her shoulders hidden by the wall. It took her a moment to find his silhouette in the darkness.  
  
"Josh, what do you want?" she called out, realising, and thanking the fact that none of her neighbours had noticed yet.  
  
"Can I come in?" he called, forming a rather sloppy trumpet with his hands. "Do-nn-a!" he called again whilst she thought about it.  
  
It was December 26th, and cold outside. She could tell Josh to walk it off, to catch a cab to go home, or she could give him a blanket and let him sleep on her couch. "I'm thinking!" she yelled out the window.  
  
Somebody else opened their window, "Will you keep it down out there!" a very grumpy male voice called.  
  
"Okay." she called down, and shut the window. She ran through to the living area and pressed the buzzer to let him in, and then quickly ran back to her bedroom to pull on her most comfortable pair of pyjamas. By the time he got to the apartment door, so had she, and brushed her hair, checked her makeup, and fetched a pillow and blanket from the cupboard.  
  
Josh practically pushed his way through the door, and into her apartment, once inside he turned, as if suddenly realising how rude he'd been and instead of apologising, asked "Where's cat lady?"  
  
"Ellen," Donna began, emphasizing her room mate's name, "is visiting her family."  
  
Josh nodded, very slowly. "The cats?" he asked. And then glanced around the floor warily.  
  
"Out for the night." she answered him, and then pushed past him to the kitchen where she poured him a glass of water.  
  
When she returned to the living area he was still standing in the middle of it. Looking slightly confused, perhaps he was slightly more drunk than he had been the last few times he'd come over to sleep it off at her apartment - normally he'd be loosening his tie, and settling down to sleep.  
  
Donna placed the glass of water on the table, growing ever more curious about his activities. Here he was in the middle of her apartment, drunk, not two days after his meeting with the people from ATVA. She still hadn't asked him about it, and didn't want to. Never the less, her eyes wandered to his hands, checking for new bandages. The left hand seemed to have healed considerably, but although he wasn't wearing the full glove that he'd built himself from micropore tape, he did still have a couple of soft pads stuck to the palm of the hand. The right hand seemed fine, exactly as it had been for a while.  
  
"Donna," he began, "we need to talk."  
  
He wasn't drunk. He wasn't drunk. "You're not drunk are you?" Donna asked rhetorically.  
  
He shook his head anyway. "We need to talk, and I thought it was probably the easiest way to..." his voice trailed off there.  
  
Donna wasted a few seconds scowling before she picked up the glass of water and took it back into the kitchen to put it in the sink. She felt, rather than heard, Josh follow her into the kitchen. "You could have just said you wanted to talk." she suggested.  
  
"How would that work?" he asked, a wistful note in his voice.  
  
"Simple, you pick up the phone, and dial my number, which is in your address book, and you say, 'Hi, Donna, we need to talk.'" Donna began to savagely scrub the glass with soap and a brush, even though it had only been used for water and never touched.  
  
"At one thirty in the morning?" he asked, slightly rejected that she was still scrubbing.  
  
"Yes, if you have to." Donna finished with the glass, and rinsed it in the sink. Four rinses later she placed the glass, up turned on the washing board, and pushed past Josh into the living room again.  
  
"Some how," Josh tried to sit on the couch, but he was shifted every few seconds as Donna pulled up the duvet and pillow she had laid for him. His sentence was broken after every other word as he shifted position. "I doubt that would have worked, something tells me you don't want to talk about this."  
  
Donna stopped in her tracks. "You thought you couldn't talk to me?" she asked, hurt by the notion. Inwardly she realised that she wasn't exactly being polite here, but it was early morning on the 26th of December.  
  
Josh and her swapped glances for a moment, and eventually she returned to the cupboard to put down the sheets. Pushing them, haphazard into their shelf, so she could return to the living room faster.  
  
Josh felt even more awkward when Donna settled down, taking a seat on the other end of the couch that he was on. She pulled her flannel clad legs up underneath her, and propped her head on her elbow, giving her a vantage view of her boss.  
  
"One of the things that I discovered when Stanley and I were working through the last few weeks, was that I've been having memory lapses." Josh decided the best way to tackle this was to get started straight away. "I've been remembering things that didn't happen, and the only reason I know what really did is because somebody else had told him."  
  
Donna nodded, but began to look uncomfortable.  
  
"Like, my hand.." he began as an example. "I remember making myself a drink, putting it down on the table, and smashing it in my fist - but I don't know if I remember it like that because I wanted to, or if I told myself to remember it, to tell you guys and believed it myself."  
  
Donna nodded, but continued shifting her legs, fiddling with her hands, getting more nervous by the second.  
  
"I was just wondering whether I'd done anything to you? Something out of the ordinary, that I can apologise for?" he asked, sheepishly.  
  
Donna shook her head.  
  
"No?" asked Josh.  
  
"No. Nothing unusual." she said.  
  
"I haven't done anything mean?" he ventured, almost as though he wanted to apologise.  
  
"Meaner than usual?" she joked.  
  
"Meaner than usual." he said, nodding and deciding to acquiesce her point.  
  
Josh looked over at his assistant and her terse posture. She wasn't exactly volunteering information aloud, but her body signals told him she knew what he was thinking of. "Donna, what I'm trying to get at, is a couple of weeks ago, I had a pretty vivid dream that you and I....well, you know..." Josh ran a hand across his eyes, and trailed it off through his hair.  
  
Donna went paler, well paler than usual, and could actually be heard gulping, which wasn't hard, as the entire apartment block went quiet for them, as though they were all eavesdropping.  
  
"I dreamt you and I made love, Donna...and from the look on your face...did that happen?" he asked, suddenly summoning courage from somewhere.  
  
Donna sat there silently, her eyes fixed on the wall opposite. It seemed like an eternity of silence before she nodded.  
  
"Donna..." Josh began, his voice going breathy as if often did when something hit him emotionally.  
  
She jumped up suddenly, and pushed her hair away from her face, she focused on Josh's hair as she spoke. "Josh, it's not like it matters or anything, it was two and half weeks ago..."  
  
"Donna..." he said again, his tone getting quieter and softer as he spoke.  
  
"I thought it was probably for the best that you didn't remember..."  
  
"Donna..." Josh watched her as she continued her excuse, gesturing wildly with her hands, and pushing her hair back behind her ears whenever she had a reason to adjust it.  
  
"We haven't had any problems working together as a result..."  
  
"Donna..." Josh's tone suddenly changed, he'd gradually been becoming quieter, and suddenly he spoke aloud with strong determination. He reached up and wrapped his fingers around her wrist as she flailed it past him, and gave her a tug towards the couch. Donna stood her ground, she didn't budge. "All of that may be true, but we need to talk about this, Donna."  
  
Donna sunk down into the sofa, falling much closer to Josh than she wished, their knees touching his thighs. "Why?" she whined, almost desperate to avoid the discussion they were about to have.  
  
"Donna," began Josh, quiet and soft again, as he placed a hand on her knee, and pleaded with his voice and eyes for her to answer him. "Tell me what happened."  
  
Donna scrunched up her eyes, and whimpered before she opened them in response to a squeeze on her knee. Donna didn't want to talk about this, she'd almost prefer to talk about what happened with that guy Stanley, almost... "You came over here, knocked on my door. You didn't say anything, you just..." she trailed off, and looked at her hands, smiling to herself, before quickly correcting herself. She began to awkwardly wrench her hands.  
  
Josh watched her patiently for a minute. After the smiling her face got progressively more dismal, he began to notice soft tears trickling down her face, and opened his mouth to mutter her name.  
  
She cut him off "I woke up when you left."  
  
Donna wiped at the tears, she was crying at what she didn't want to tell him, at how elated she'd felt when he kissed her, how amazing his touch had been, like he knew everything, and was able to please her, and like he knew nothing and wanted to learn. Donna remembered how content she'd felt, lying there with his head on her chest, both of them naked on her couch, this couch, and then how disturbed, confused, distressed, shocked, she'd felt when she woke up as her door slammed, Josh gone from her apartment.  
  
"I just left?" Josh asked, shocked, as he watched her cry, desperately wishing he could reach out and wipe her tears, embrace her, something.  
  
Donna nodded, clawing at her eyes to remove the tears. She got up, not wanting to sit on that couch for any longer. She looked down at the couch with scorn in her eyes. Josh's hand had just slid off of her knee.  
  
"Here?" he asked, putting his hand on the couch, "it was here?" he clarified when she gave him a confused look. Donna nodded. "Jesus." he muttered to himself, he knew his memory had taken place on this couch, but he felt terrible that he hadn't taken her to her bed. He didn't get up though.  
  
Instead, Josh covered his face with his hands, rubbing at the eye sockets, lack of sleep, the constant worrying about the accident. It was all taking it's toll. "Donna....I..." he didn't know what he was going to say, he felt terrible, disgusted with himself, he wanted her to know how terrible he felt - but he couldn't think how to communicate it to her. "You know I'd never..."  
  
"I know." she said, interrupting "it was just a stupid thing, just the PTSD checking you were alive or something..."  
  
"Donna, I was checking I was alive, in that," Josh smiled to himself, and then looked up at his normally strong assistant, who was standing across the room, almost trembling. "I must have been finding something to live for."  
  
"Josh -"  
  
He wasn't going to be interrupted. "What I was going to say is I'd never leave you like that, that I certainly wouldn't..." he stood up and walked to stand in front of her, "If I had realised that we had actually...well, I would have acted like I did that morning." Josh shoved his hands in his pockets, and searched Donna's face for some kind of recognition, of forgiving.  
  
"Josh." mumbled Donna, her eyes brimmed with tears, the last few weeks had taken their toll on her too.  
  
She hadn't planned on saying anything after that, and Josh just wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him, pressing his lips against her forehead. "Donna." he whispered softly, stroking her hair with his good hand whilst the other drew circles on her lower back. "You know I'd never want to hurt you Donna, I want to make this up to you." Josh kissed her forehead, Donna pulled away from his warmth and gave herself a good foot between her and Josh, she wasn't going to be intoxicated by him.  
  
"Josh." she warned.  
  
"Donna, it's already happened." he said, and for the first time since he'd thrown the stone at her window he realised what he was there for, what he wanted from her. Why he wanted it. "Donna, I'm in love with you."  
  
She froze, a look of shock, confusion, playing out on her face. Her eyes were fixed on Josh, but they didn't move as he moved towards her, wrapping his arms, once again around her waist, and tilting his head to kiss her lips, trapping her hands momentarily between the two of them. He pulled away after his quick kiss, waiting, hoping she would react.  
  
Donna blinked, and reached her arms up and around Josh's neck, she pressed lightly on his neck, encouraging him to kiss her again. Josh didn't need much encouragement, and smiled at her before kissing her again. This time she opened her mouth and the tongues dueled, each one of them pouring all the emotions they had into the kiss.  
  
"Donna," he breathed when they broke apart, letting out a quiet moan as she kissed his chin, across his cheek, making her way to his ear where she whispered in his ear. "Don't you dare leave this time." she muttered.  
  
Once again, Josh groaned, there would be another time, his mind and body began to rejoice, his groin tightening at the promise. Donna pulled her lips from his ear, and covered his mouth again. They kissed, even more passionately than before, and before they pulled apart, Donna moved her hands to his neck, and pulled at his tie, dragging it over his head when she thought it was loose enough.  
  
They broke the kiss, he helped her get the loop over his head, and as she focused on the buttons at the top of his shirt, he cupped her chin, kissing her again, and moving his hands to help her with his shirt. When they'd unbuttoned his shirt, Donna pushed it and his jacket off his shoulders, and Josh held her face to kiss her again.  
  
The shirt dropped to the floor, and they began on Donna's pyjama top, tossing it aside, as they proceed to Donna's bedroom, Donna pushing him backwards around her apartment. When they got into the bedroom the lights were still on, and Donna pushed him back until he landed on the bed with a thump. It was the first time they broke their kiss.  
  
Donna placed quick light kisses on his face, trailing down his neck, bare chest and reaching the waist band of her trousers. She undid the buckle, and unzipped the fly, before she moved down to his feet and undid his shoes. She reached up to his waist and pulled off his trousers, gripping the socks and shoes with her fingers as she passed them.  
  
The brown cotton trousers joined the rest of their suit on the floor, and she got up, straddling him on the bed and kissing him again in short bursts, sucking his tongue as she pulled her mouth away, pressing her lips. She lowered herself onto him,grinding her hips into him and holding their bodies as close as possible.  
  
Josh growled, "Jesus, Donna." and lifted her by her hips to pin her underneath him, rolling them to place her head on the pillow at the top of the bed.  
  
"Which one is it?" and she giggled when she saw the expression on Josh's face, he silenced her with a kiss on her lips, and buried his face in her neck, smelling her perfume, and biting the soft skin. Donna's hands flew to his back, digging one hand's nail's into his shoulder, and running the other down his back, pressing him against her. His erection was straining against his boxer shorts, and Donna immediately felt her effect on him, he groaned into her neck, and then his hand made it's way to her chest, gripping a breast and then rolling her nipples in his thumbs.  
  
It was Donna's turn to moan now, and she allowed her hand to move further down his back, slipping inside his briefs and kneading him closer to her.  
  
"Jesus, Donna." Josh groaned, his hand stilling on her breast as he calmed himself.  
  
Donna giggled, "If you don't decide soon..." she joked, laughing, her chin moving against his neck.  
  
"Right, that's it." Josh warned her, and he crawled down her body, gripping the waist band of her pyjamas and her knickers, and pulling them off in one fell swoop. Donna giggled, but tossed her head back and groaned when she felt Josh lower his mouth onto her.  
  
She whimpered as his tongue slid into her, and pressed against her sensitive flesh, and gasped at the loss of contact when he pulled his tongue from her. She gripped the duvet with her hands, and was afraid she'd tear it when she heard the quiet humming, feeling the vibrations against her clit when Josh lowered his mouth, once again to her. Donna moaned and tossed her head back again, arching her back and pressing herself against his mouth. She forced herself to lie back down again, and tugged at her fistful of duvet cover, she arched her back again when she felt a finger enter her, withdraw and then a second finger, which moved in and out of her, curving up to aim for her G spot. In the back of her mind Donna heard the covers ripping, and she was lost in the sensations that slowly overwhelmed her.  
  
As she came down from her orgasm she realised she'd been moaning Josh's name over and over for a while, she wasn't sure how long. When she looked down at him he raised his head and grinned up at her, and she smiled back down at him. Donna let go of the covers, and held her hand out to him. He accepted it, and moved back up her body, to kiss her. She held his face in her hands, leaving his hands free to travel as they wished, settling on her breasts, kneading, and caressing.  
  
Josh and Donna pulled apart, and Donna grabbed the waist band of his boxer shorts, pushing them down the slope of his buttocks before Josh's hands on hers stopped her. "Donna, are you sure?" he asked, his voice husky with need.  
  
"Yeah," she said, breathy, and pushed once again on his boxer shorts. Josh helped her, thankful she hadn't said no, and they pushed his boxer shorts down to his thighs, Donna pulled up her legs, and pushed his boxers down and off the end of his feet with the tips of her toes. Josh whimpered at the freedom, the sensation of himself against Donna's thighs, but waited until he felt Donna's toes trail past his ankles. It was slow torture.  
  
Josh raised his head from the hollow of Donna's neck and lowered his mouth onto hers. Kissing her deeply and he moved a hand to part her legs, and then slowly entered her. Donna gasped into his mouth, and he used the opportunity to push his tongue further into her. Josh stopped when he was completely inside her, and gave her a moment to adjust to the sensation. He kissed her jawline until she captured his mouth again, signaling in an unwritten code that she was ready.  
  
Josh moved within her, he did so slowly, setting a pace that matched with her inner contractions. Donna whimpered into his mouth, and he broke their kiss to hear her moans, amazed at what he was doing to this woman he'd admired for so long.  
  
Donna couldn't contain the sensations that flowed within her, the overwhelming pleasure came out in soft moans and sighs. She urged Josh on, moving her hands to grip his back, digging her nails deep into his shoulder blades, and meeting him at every thrust, and he began to speed up, pushing harder into her as he neared his climax. Donna shut her eyes, and couldn't prevent the smile that formed in between gasps when she heard Josh saying her name, he was calling to her.  
  
After a while she heard him ask her to open her eyes, and she looked up to see Josh looking down on her, half his face in shadow from the table lamps. He kissed her quickly before he raised his head above her again, holding her face between his hands and watching her as he increased their pace further still. Donna met him thrust for thrust, and their sighs and names crescendoed until they reached release.  
  
Neither one knew who came first, but they were only off set by a few seconds. They slowed to a stop very quickly, and Josh kissed her again. Both were desperate for air, but decided kissing was far more important that suffocation. Donna released his back, her nails sliding through his flesh for a part of a second before letting go, and rubbed what she was sure were scratches and cuts with the palm of her hand before her arms dropped to the bed.  
  
"Oh my God, Josh." she muttered, shutting her eyes briefly, and opening them to his laughter.  
  
"You can worship me any way you want." he whispered into her hair, "But I like this one." He promptly kissed her forehead, and then her nose, his lips lingering on the very tip.  
  
It took Donna a few seconds to realise the joke, and then she braced herself as he rolled off of her and slid from inside of her. Josh folded the cover up on the far side of the bed and rolled himself onto the sheets, pulling Donna with him, she landed on top of him, but at that moment they were both too exhausted to do anything but kiss and pull the covers back up.  
  
Donna slid a little away and propped herself up on her elbow, Josh turned to her and did the same. He reached out a finger and caressed her cheek and the top of one of her arms before he spoke. "So, Donna." he began softly.  
  
"So, Josh." She mocked him.  
  
"You tired?" he asked her, placing his left hand on the bed between them, thumbing at the sheets.  
  
"Yeah." She admitted.  
  
"You want to sleep?"  
  
"No."  
  
"C'm'ere." he muttered, and Donna shifted down the bed to place her back where his hand had been. Josh kissed her ear lobe and pushed the arm he'd been leaning on under her head. It was more bony than it'd been a month or two ago, the result of the stress he'd been experiencing. Neither one mentioned it, and Donna rested on the fleshiest bit she could.  
  
Josh pushed the duvet down off of their chests to cover them just below the navel. "Hey." moaned Donna, gripping the cover to pull it back up. "What?" he asked, incredulous.  
  
"I'll get cold." she muttered, not pulling it back up, but fingering the tear in the duvet cover.  
  
"I'll keep you warm." he muttered, and passed his free hand across her chest, cupping the breast furthest from him and covering the other with his forearm. Donna chuckled, and reached up for the light switch before covering Josh's arm with her own.  
  
"You know," she whispered in the darkness, "you made me rip the duvet cover."  
  
"I made you rip the duvet cover?" he asked, his voice perking up in tone at his sense of pride.  
  
"Yep."  
  
Josh smiled into her hair. "I'll buy you a new one." he promised, "I buy you a cupboard full, and we can rip each one in turn."  
  
Donna giggled and shut her eyes.  
  
"I love you, Donna." Josh whispered softly, kissing her hair.  
  
"I love you, too, Josh." Donna turned her face towards his chest in the darkness and snuggled a little closer. Josh gave her breast a squeeze.  
  
"They're not car horns you know."  
  
"Sorry." 


End file.
